


I didn't need to do it

by DirrtyHaruka



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post-Canon, Redemption, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirrtyHaruka/pseuds/DirrtyHaruka
Summary: Ellie makes her way back to Jackson, to try and make amends, with the people she loves and most importantly herself.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	1. Prologue - Not the end yet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScaryPunkGh0st](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScaryPunkGh0st/gifts).



A gray sky, full of gray clouds on a gray day, where even the greenest nature seemed colorless. That's how every day was, since then. Since Ellie came back to the farm to find nothing and left it again, as soon as she had the energy for it. What did she expect? Probably nothing.  
She had hoped, yes, but if she was honest, she knew better. She had known the second she had stepped foot outside and began her journey of revenge anew hoping it would heal her mind. But all it did was….She sighed.  
No point to think about it again…and again and again. Raindrops hit her face and when some got into her eyes, she squinted, wiping away what she had pressed out. 

She took it as a sign that it was time to stop staring into the clouds and return to look at her way ahead, which was the slow walk back to Jackson even though she wasn’t sure if she actually wanted to return to it. The thing was: It was the only place she had left, but she wasn’t sure if she would be welcomed back or if she even wanted them to. She already knew no place would ever feel like home again.  
Not with Joel gone and not with Dina most probably despising her guts. She had thought about her options. She could have stayed at the farmhouse, all by herself, which would have been what she deserved, kinda? Maybe? She shook her head. Who knows what she deserved. 

A Gun to her head was an option and an alluring one at that but…What would that do? She did think about it and held it in her hand more than once but…She then thought of everyone who lost as much as she did and more. All the people who pulled themselves together helped others and worked together to rebuild.  
And they haven’t ruined their own lives as she did. She felt like she didn’t even have the right to pull the trigger on herself, after everything she did. That would be a cop-out and pretty much everyone that might still care for her, dead or alive, would be disappointed if she would. 

And she was fucking done with disappointing the people she cared about. She pulled the straps on her backpack tighter around her shoulders, took a deep breath, and continued walking.


	2. Not at all what I expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie arrives in Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking some days, but I'm still working on my "feels like it's bigger than my life"- Telltale's The Walking Dead Project AND on the planning for a full TLOU Part 2 rewrite soooooo busy busy. Still, I hope you enjoy the little Ending Fix!

When Ellie passed the familiar overgrown gas station, her heart began racing. For a moment she just stood there contemplating. What was she expecting? No welcome back party at least. But somebody would be glad to see her, right? She wondered if her house was still hers or if Maria had given it away, while she continued walking. She had never asked about it while she lived with Dina and JJ on the farm. 

“You didn’t expect to come back here, huh?” Ellie mumbled to herself, sighing quietly. She grew more nervous with every step that brought her closer to Jackson and when she was finally able to see the massive gate, her heart jumped into her throat.  
Last chance to turn back, there was still time to chicken out. Ellie took a deep breath. Now or never. She jogged the remaining way to the gate.

“Hey! It’s Ellie!” She waved to the Guards at the top of the walls but for a while, nothing happened except for the Guards vanishing out Ellie’s field of view.

“Come on! You know me! Please?!” Still no reaction whatsoever. 

“Great…what now?” Ellie slouched her shoulders. She could turn back and try to find shelter in one of the outlooks for the night. The nearest one would take a lot of time on foot and she wouldn’t get there before it was pitch black outside. Her flashlight was already giving up on her. Was there any other option?  
She couldn’t think of one other than staying right here and hoping someone would take pity on her. Ellie readjusted her backpack. All right then the nearest outlook it was. Right as Ellie wanted to turn around, she heard the creaking of the gate doors, followed by a familiar face squeezing through the barely opened gate.

“Ellie! Oh my god. I didn’t believe Deacon at first. It’s really you.” Gentle arms pulled Ellie into a warm hug.

“Hi, Maria.” Ellie hesitantly smiled and allowed herself to enjoy the hug for a moment before they pulled apart.

“You look terrible.” Maria had obviously inspected her for a second.

“Thanks a lot, it’s not like you are in your best years either.” Ellie managed to force a grin onto her lips. Maria nudged her shoulder.

“Careful,” Maria warned but came back to a warm smile almost immediately.

“We missed you. Come, let’s get inside.” She added.

“I wish I could believe that everyone did.” Ellie sighed while following Maria through the gate. Maria looked at her with somewhat tired but worried eyes.

“Please tell me you did not lose all your hope.” Ellie narrowed her eyebrows.

“Since you opened the gate I didn’t. Why? What’s wrong?” Maria looked sad for a second.

“Tommy. After he visited you on the farm, he just decided to live in Joel’s house. We don’t see him as much. But from what I was told, nobody is allowed upstairs and he sleeps on the couch…I…I tried to talk to him, but I don’t have the strength to deal with him anymore and I’m sorry about that but I have responsibilities and he refuses to do anything other than attending his everlasting pity-party. I just can’t bear the thought that you would end like this, too.” Elie had slowly nodded while listening and stayed quiet for a moment after this to think about what she had said.

“Don’t worry. I’m…okay, I guess. And I wanted to talk to Tommy anyway.” Maria shook her head gently.

“You don’t have to. I know the story. I know he guilt-tripped you. He did enough damage as it is.” Ellie fell silent again before she sluggishly shrugged.

“I decided to leave.” Maria placed a hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Yeah, but he made you decide.” She said in a slightly aggravated tone.

“I don’t think that it is that easy, Maria. I really don’t.” Ellie looked at her, with a deep rooting sadness. Maria didn’t speak right away again. Instead, it seemed like she thought about what Ellie said.

“I guess you would know better than me. But he had a role in it and we both know that it wasn’t a small one.”

“That’s fair. But he’s still family.” Ellie shrugged again. Maria sighed.

“Also fair. Do you want to go now? I would prefer for you to visit the infirmary first.” 

“I go talk with him.” Was Ellie’s short answer.

“Figured. I go and make sure your little house is prepared, so you can come home properly, but only after you visited our Doc.” Maria had a warm smile on her lips and Ellie did return it. At least a little bit.

“Thank you. I mean it” 

“Not at all. Good luck with him. You need it. I see you later.” Maria waved goodbye and let Ellie to herself for now.

“You really made her mad, huh Tommy?” Ellie mumbled while making her way through Jackson. In her head, she had gone through this conversation a thousand times already. She had racked her brain over the question: Should she tell him the truth about Abby or not?  
The conclusion was: What would lying accomplish? Making him feel better until someone from somewhere would tell him the truth? Ellie didn’t know where Tommy got his information from but he always had them regardless if he wanted them or not. So she could lie but that would only buy time before she had to tell him anyway. 

The truth was her only and more importantly the better choice. While thinking about it once again, she arrived at the house. For a long moment, she just stood there, looking at the house.  
It still hurt badly but the desperate rage was mostly gone and that was probably the best Ellie could’ve hoped for. Still, walking up to the porch let her emotions run wild. She had to take a deep breath to knock on the door, but when she did, it took a while to get some kind of response.  
A grumbled yell from inside let her know that she could come in. When she did, she had to search for Tommy for a minute. She found him rather disinterested in his visitor, lying on the couch in the living room.

“Hey, Tommy.” His head turned and Ellie could see his narrowed eyebrows.

“Ellie?” He asked as if he was blind, but he could clearly see. 

“I’m back.” Ellie forced a smile onto her lips. Tommy stood up as fast as he could, pulling Ellie into a tight hug.

“I thought you were dead.”

“I just kinda…walked for a while, before coming back here.” Tommy let her go but kept his hands on her shoulders, looking at her intensely.

“You need to go to the infirmary.” Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Ya, Maria said that already,” Tommy grumbled for a second.

“Then why are you here? Go get yourself patched up.” Ellie shook her head.

“I wanted to talk to you first.” Tommy silently looked at her for a few moments before he shrugged and gestured towards the couch.

“OK. Want some water?” Ellie sat down on the couch.

“Yes. Thanks.” Ellie heard Tommy rummaging in the kitchen. Glass clanking and then limping steps coming towards her. He placed a Mug right in front of her on the table.

“So…From the way you look, I would guess you found her?” He cut right to the chase after he poured himself a glass of whiskey. Ellie stared at a picture on the wall for a while, before slowly nodding.

“I found her.” 

“So she’s dead?” Tommy fixated her, downing his drink in one go. Silence fell over both of them. She tried to hold his gaze but couldn’t. Glass shattered on the wall behind her.

“You let her go?!” She wasn’t sure if the shattering or his shout let her flinch.

“You weren’t there, Tommy. It was so…fucked up. The moment I had set foot into Santa Barbara it was one huge fucking shit show.” Tommy paced up and down in the living room. If you could call all that limping around pacing.

“And you lived through that shit show and you found her but you still…” He shouted the last word and seemingly tried to calm down by deeply breathing in and out a couple of times, but that didn’t work out quite as good as he probably wanted it to.

“…you still let her live. After what she did to Joel, Jesse and to me, she got to buckle up on a shiny white horse and ride into the fucking sunset?!”

“It was a boat…” Ellie regretted this answer the second it had left her mouth long before Tommy almost punched a hole into the wooden table.

“I knew I should’ve done it myself.” Ellie looked up to him, narrowing her eyebrows in growing anger.

“Yes, you should have. I would’ve loved to hear how you’ve limped through Santa Barbara, shooting your way through another group of fucking assholes. Which were armed to their teeth, by the way, just to fistfight and kill a woman that wasn’t anywhere near being the same person you hunted in the first place!” 

“So she changed and suddenly what she did to Joel or Jesse or me didn’t matter anymore?!” He didn’t back down.

“No. It doesn’t matter that she changed. I changed.” Ellie tried to make him understand but didn’t know how.

“To what? A coward?!” She had heard enough. She shot up from her seat.

“You know what, Tommy? Fuck you! I was ready to let go. To work through all this grief and regret and anger I felt and then you came and what you said sounded right, but it wasn’t. Look at me! And look at yourself. Do you think that that’s what Joel would’ve wanted for us?” 

“Joel would’ve followed this woman to the end of the world if she had killed you and he would’ve never stopped until she stopped breathing.” Tommy insisted and Ellie shrugged but nodded as well.

“Yes, that is what Joel would’ve done. But no matter what problems he and I had…He always wanted me to be a better person. To be happy and to never be what he was. And I’m ready for it.” Tommy looked at her for a while.

“Get out.” He turned away from her. For a moment Ellie thought about trying to get him to understand but at least for now, he didn’t seem like he wanted to at all. 

“Fine. Maria gave me my house back, so if you want to talk, you know where to find me.” When he didn’t react, she just sighed and left the house. 

On the way to and while she was examined in the infirmary, her head was either filled with pure chaos and anger about Tommy or with the occasional memory, some buildings awakened in her.  
It felt weird and surreal to be back here but it also felt good. Most of the face she met here, were friendly and genuinely happy to see her again and that made her feel like that the decision to come back was the right one. After all these bad decisions that brought more misery than anything, this here was needed. As soon as she was hesitantly let go by the town doctor, she headed home. 

Home… The last place she called that was the farm and it hurt so, so bad to remember it. She had to breathe in deeply to manage the heartache it brought. That was over, sadly, but it was time to move on. Everyone else did, so should she.  
When she arrived at her house the lights were on. Ellie didn’t think much of it. Probably Maria, waiting for her with a sandwich and the burning question of how the talk with Tommy went and if she finally had seen the doctor. So she opened the door, walked some steps inside before she looked up, and when she did, she froze.

“Hi, Ellie.”

“Dina…”


End file.
